24 4 / 2014
Life has just been a lull of unhappiness for months now. Each day just seems to becoming dimmer and dimmer, there is no excitement through out the week and I dread going to work, I constantly check the clock to see when I can go home and take a nap or do nothing. I check my phone hoping for….what am I hoping for? Some miracle? What has my life become, where have my dreams gone? I am not chasing them, I feel weighed down by the people who matter most to me. That their energies have toxified my core.That the light inside of me is not as bright as I know it to be. That the drift is seriously kicking my ass. Or maybe I am just the fucked up one and I have no one else to blame. I need to get out of here, out of here and away from everyone. Well just those who have contaminated my life.
How can you love and care about someone who is so destructive, so messed up, unreliable? So flawed in so many ways, yet I see them at their best self, see so much potential, fell in love with someone who may or may not exist. How does that happen? And the person now, scares me. The relationship is not a relationship. My needs are no where near getting met, but I am committed to being supportive to better a life. Damn my fucking heart of gold.
I have been battling many emotions and thoughts recently, especially those of resentment toward my dad. I really want to blame him for all my unhappiness and failure of relationships. I want to tell him he did a fucked job as a dad and still is. But what good would that do? When times I’ve tried to express true vulnerability of rawness he turns shit around, becomes defensive, and I am just dramatic. But if you did such a great job then how come I am where I am in a shit relationship in a shit situation. And why is our family in such a shit situation, when you’re supposed to be the provider, someone to trust and rely on. I have no one to rely on…living on edge, not knowing how I’ll be able to survive or where i’m going to live from month to month…how can anyone be happy under the circumstances? Thanks mom and dad for always being stressed, not talking about solutions, just the problems, and creating a space of tension, it’s awesome to live under. No wonder I have the relationship I have, what else do I know, what else could I have attracted?
It’s a fucked cycle, no one can break it but me. FUCK. How does a drained person with barely any energy to go about their day, find more to change their life completely? God it would be really nice if You could throw me a bone and help a kid out right now, like it would just be really freakin’ sweet if You could either grant me complete insane happiness or delusion of my life or perhaps create miracles upon miracles. I would just jump and rejoice in joy and love. Just throwing that out there, please consider it at least? Thanks.
21 4 / 2014
How much is enough? Till you realize it is never enough. Not for them at least. Or am I just the same too?
You were so nice, but maybe that wasn’t you after all. After it all came out, things began to crumble before my feet, before my eyes. There was nothing I could do, I tried to do everything, yet it wasn’t enough. Nothing I could do would make a difference, seemed to only make it worse.
Do I attract the poison, or am I the poison?
They say that love can conquer all, that love is the answer, but why hasn’t it worked for me?
20 4 / 2014
What are chances, but to repeat the same cycle?
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Does love make us insane or is it something else besides love?
Seems like no matter what I want the outcome is the same. Different person, but same relationship where I am the one taking care of the other man, trying to fix him, that I’ll be the missing piece in his void. No matter how hard I try they’re still broken, am I broken too? Do I attract these men because we are the same in a way, that there is an underlying connection of beliefs within us? Or is it something else? How can I have another outcome, that doesn’t repeat the cycle, or is being alone the solution till I figure it out?
I stare at the phone wondering the message I’ll get today, if it is one of hope and change, a message of despair and confusion, or nothing at all. I am just as lost and confused as you. The tears that I’ve poured over the men in my life, longing to be enough, longing to breakthrough their pain so we can be happy together.
"You think you’re the broken one, but I’m the one who needed saving."
Our minds are the most powerful tools of the universe, and it is essential to how we use them, for my mind can be my worst enemy. Use with caution.
For me it will either break me during these times, or make me the warrior I was meant to be.
Our dreams are not that far out of reach, they are closer to our grasp than we know. It is knowing, believing, having faith that we can accomplish what we intend to, in the presence of fear, in the presence of the unknown, in the presence of not knowing how. Always give yourself second, third, fourth, however many chances it takes to get to your dreams and goals. Without them, what is a life?
29 1 / 2014
Today I surrender…*waves white flag* I have faith in God that what will be will be and it will all be perfect
25 2 / 2013
"Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am."
21 2 / 2013
If a guy “offers” to pay half, he doesn’t need to be dating NOBODY. #cheapass #getarealjob #smh
18 2 / 2013
People treat you the way you let them. If you don’t demand respect, you’ll never get it. Being a nice person isn’t enough. #sadbuttrue
And if they don’t respect you they don’t deserve you. Drop them like it’s hot.